


Things we lost in the fire

by Ischa



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-02
Updated: 2011-08-02
Packaged: 2017-10-22 03:43:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/233369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ischa/pseuds/Ischa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things we lost in the fire.</p><p><i>Because Dean is right, he can’t trust him. Sam can’t trust himself. No one should have trusted him to begin with.<br/>Jessica shouldn’t have.<br/>Dean shouldn’t.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Things we lost in the fire

**Title:** Things we lost in the fire  
 **Pairing:** gen  
 **Rating:** PG-13  
 **Summary:** Things they lost in the fire.  
 **Warning(s):** spoiler for S5E02  
 **Author Notes:** My summaries are so bad...*sigh*  
 **Word Count:** 987  
 **Beta:** asm_z  
 **Disclaimer:** Don’t know, don’t own, not real

\--+--  
~1~

~+~  
 _Dean_

The most vivid memory of his life is still that one fateful night, that night his dad put Sammy into his arms and told him to run. And he ran and maybe he never stopped. He isn’t sure. Yeah, he is; he never stopped.  
Because he is still running. (From something, to something. What does it matter? You always leave something behind in the end.)  
The sun is going down and he is still sitting at that picnic table somewhere nowhere.  
Sammy is gone. (But Sammy was gone long before Sam got into that car.) He isn’t sure what he is still doing here, maybe waiting for Sam to come back, even if he knows he won’t. Even if he doesn’t want Sam to come back. Not now. Maybe…but he doesn’t think that to the end. It’s not what he wants, even if he isn’t sure what he wants, just now…sitting here and waiting for something to happen. Or maybe waiting for nothing to happen. Who knows? He sure as hell doesn’t.  
He should get up and into the Impala, but he just can’t seem to.

~+~  
 _Sam_

It was guilt. That is the only thing Sam can think of. Why else would Dean offer him his fucking car? Guilt.  
Even if Dean shouldn’t have felt guilty at all. It was not Dean’s fault to begin with. It was his. Sam is absolutely aware of it. He messed up so big.  
Not only had he brought the fucking apocalypse down, no, he disappointed his brother as well. And that’s the hardest part.  
Ever since that night his mom said sorry, he knew something was not right with him. Hell, since the night Jessica died in the fire…before. He isn’t human. And maybe his dad should have had put his miserable life to an end after his mom burned to death on that fucking ceiling.  
It is pointless to think about it now. He should have known better, but he didn’t. But that, of course, is a lie, he did know better. He just didn’t care. It’s not that he didn’t know his decisions were wrong, he did. He was just weak.  
He is still weak.  
He always was.  
The sun is going down and he tries not to think of Dean. Maybe they will meet…maybe they will…maybe they won’t.  
He could still call.

~+~  
 _Castiel_

He lost everything. That’s the truth. His faith, his god, even if…Castiel knows HE is out there.  
He’s seen heaven burn once. And now it seems that it will burn again and maybe earth as well. He wouldn’t care much about that, but…there is Dean.  
The body in the mirror is still his. Well…more or less. Still Castiel. Still Jimmy. Still him. He can feel the phantom pain of being torn apart in a million little pieces.  
He lost faith then.

~2~

~+~  
 _Dean_

What hurts most is that he didn’t just lose her once, but twice-- maybe three times, if he counts that one time he wasn’t even born and she wasn’t his mother yet.  
He wonders what life would have been like if she hadn’t made a deal with the demon, if she just didn’t…sell the soul of her youngest child for the life of her future husband. Maybe it’s a good thing that John never knew.  
There are other vivid memories. The ones from hell. He can’t forget them. He can’t forget what he did, how he died, the fire, the pain, what he lost there. Parts of himself. Respect for himself, for god maybe…if he had any to begin with. And he doubts that.

~+~  
 _Sam_

It isn’t just Jessica or his mom, he knows. He lost them too, of course. He lost everything that was good in his life, except Dean.  
But he is still alone now. Still…after all the things they did and all the things that were done to them, he is alone now, because Dean didn’t fight. Not this time.  
Because Dean is right, he can’t trust him. Sam can’t trust himself. No one should have trusted him to begin with.  
Jessica shouldn’t have.  
Dean shouldn’t.

~+~  
 _Castiel_

He knows that Dean didn’t tell Sam about their mother, what she did. Maybe things would have turned out differently, maybe not. Sam is still his father’s son and Dean always was more caring, more like their mom.  
Dying is like burning alive. Not for everyone, but for angels it is. It has something to do with being made of God’s will…maybe. He isn’t sure, he isn’t sure about anything anymore.  
The only thing he is sure of is that he would burn in hell if he were a human being. Maybe it’s a good thing he is not.  
As he said that God is not in heaven, that he has to be somewhere…it was not faith. It was desperation.  
He isn’t sure Dean knows.  
He isn’t sure Dean cares. After all, Castiel is still on his side and he doesn’t have many allies left. Maybe it will be enough.

  
~3~

~+~  
 _Dean_

What he lost, and he knows this with a burning that makes him sometimes choke on his own breath. What he lost all those years ago was Sammy. He didn’t know it back then, but it was already too late to save Sam.

~+~  
 _Sam_

Ashes to ashes. Jessica, his mom, his dad…Dean in the pit of hell. He knows what he lost. And what he can never have back. Never because they’re gone.  
But there is one thing that he lost and can have back.  
Himself.

(He never lost Dean, even now, he knows he’ll never lose Dean.)

~+~  
 _Castiel_

And Castiel knows it’s his own fault: he just got too close and it burned him. It’s just that simple.  
And he doesn’t think what he’s lost he can ever have back.  
Desperation, after all, is not faith.

~end~


End file.
